Thursday, May 5, 2011

We Auto Stop This!

Dear Women of America,

Today while I was driving around town, deciding if the closest gas station to where I was actually had cheap gas (it did!  $3.89/gallon!), I saw something that made my jaw drop:  A powder blue Mercedes Benz SUV with eyelashes on the headlights.

Say what???  Eyelashes?!

Oh, yes.  Well, they weren't really eyelashes, they were "Carlashes" (TM) (Patent pending).  But they were car decorations all the same--car decorations that made me weep for this country.  Why does anyone want or need fake eyelashes (or crystal eyeliner) on their car?  Just to make it cute?  For reelz?  You've got nothing else to spend your money on?  Is the recession over?

I mean, like, I really, really don't get why you'd want this on your car, so if someone could explain it to me, I'd appreciate it.  Then I would appreciate you sitting through my lecture on why this product should not exist--especially on your vehicle.  I'll even give you a preview of said lecture:

  1. I can't imagine that many guys would want to be seen in or near your car.  This product cannot possibly help you in the dating world or improve your marriage (though I can't really answer to the lesbian or gay reaction).
  2. If you already have a bra on your car (and I won't even tell you what I think of the car bra either), you absolutely cannot add the lashes.  Boobs don't have eyes in real life, and if you're outfitting your car in such a style, your car boobs shouldn't have eyes either.
I know--this is a free country, so if you want to doll up your car with crystal gimmickry, you should be allowed to.  But should you do it?  Should you really give the terrorists new reasons to hate our country? I realize we've dealt them a pretty big blow recently, but I bet they're trying to regroup and are looking for targets to hate.  My guess--and I say this as the best counter-terrorism expert that's currently sitting in my home office--is that Carlashes will send them over the edge.

Unless, of course, the terrorists have car burqas, and don't really mind the extra adornments. 

Still, I'm just sayin'.  Do what's right, ladies.

Your pal,


  1. Considering TruckNutz have been around for a while, I guess it was only a matter of time until the ladies got theirs.

  2. I did NOT need to know about the existence of TruckNutz. For the love of God, please find something better to do with your time and/or money (though really? I am shocked that I haven't seen a Masshole with TruckNutz).

  3. Oh wait, TruckNutz are from Florida. All questions answered. Never mind.