Dear Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences,
Congratulations on another successful awards! How exciting was it to honor such great talent? The first female "Best Director"! Jeff Bridges! Sandra Bullock! Mo'Nique! Christoph Waltz! It was really a great year for performances, wasn't it?
Performances on the Big Screen, I mean. Because your little awards show? Not so great. Maybe you won't believe me because I'm sure the folks in charge will be nominated for an Emmy, and Hollywood seems to be filled with yes men and women, but let me tell you: As an Oscars junkie, this is the first time I've ever been to an Oscar party where a person fell asleep during the show. Granted, I wasn't hosting, but that's beside the point. Moreover, I didn't blame this woman for falling asleep, because, um, it was a touch boring.
Boring? You might ask. Boring?! Not with that stunning Bob Mackie-esque stage! Sadly, the set was probably the best thing about the show, other than some surprising winners. Have we not learned that interpretive dance numbers make for cruel mockery? Or is that what you were going for? I didn't know my jaw could stay open that long until I saw breakdancing to classical-type soundtracks. A-mazing. And I don't really mean that in a nice way.
But beyond the substandard opening number and the strange dance number interpreting the best score nominees, the rest of the show was plain boring. You had double the hosts, so shouldn't that mean double the talent? Apparently not. Most of the "jokes" and "one-liners" (I have a hard time even classifying them as jokes) fell massively flat. How is that possible with the number of talented writers you had on staff? Bruce Vilanch! Dave Barry! Who was responsible for taking out the funny?
Maybe you had too many writers. Maybe you were trying to be a little conservative and thought, "The more, the merrier." I'd like to remind you that in this year's case, the adage was, "Too many cooks spoil the broth," which, in an Oscar setting translates to, "Too many writers spoils the punchline."
It cannot be that difficult to write clever jokes and songs, while treating the movies in a classy manner! If you're having trouble finding good help, I'll gladly offer my services. I've been a freelance writer for just over two years, and film writing is on my resume. I've even written a kick-ass script for an awards presentation following a community theatre production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" that had everyone rolling. Rolling!
Wouldn't you love George Clooney rolling in the aisles at your next Oscars? He hardly cracked a smile last night. Hire me to help write your next show, and I guarantee that I'll get genuine laughter out of everyone (even the foreigners! I speak German too!).
Make your next Oscars something that the world won't complain about. You can do it. I can help!
P.S.--You forgot to remember Farah Fawcett's passing. How'd that happen? She had a crazy good performance in "The Apostle" back in 1997.