Holiday Loss

Dear DirecTV,

What happened to my G4?  It's that time of the year--my "Ninja Warrior" fever is starting to spike, especially now that the show is posting a lot of updates on Facebook.  I got really excited and tried to set my DVR to record "American Ninja Warrior," only to discover that I no longer get the channel.  It seems to have disappeared off my channel guide, much like a ninja stealing away in the night.  Color me not pleased.

[note:  I have noticed that the DVR has no longer been recording episodes of "Ninja Warrior" and "Unbeatable Banzuke," but I've got so much stuff to watch that I haven't investigated.  Besides, the new season of "Ninja Warrior" has become as Christmas to me as "A Christmas Story."]

Is no one on the DirectTV system watching G4?  Has it become too expensive to carry?  I mean, the channel lineup is becoming increasingly odd--RFD TV (which I hadn't heard of until today, but is apparently "Rural America's Most Important Network") is currently showing "Big Joe Polka Show."  What's your customer mix of urban vs. rural?  I'd understand if a good percentage of your customers are rural, but still--don't you want to reach the tech-savvy kids too?

I also supposedly can now play games on DirecTV.  It feels like there are more shopping and informercial channels than ever.  Who's watching this stuff?  Does it really bring in more money than regularly programmed channels?

Please let me know why I'm paying not to be able to see some of my favorite shows anymore.  If I can understand this better, maybe I wouldn't be so ticked off.

Your pal,
Jill

P.S. -- What'd you think of your boss being on "Undercover Boss"?  Has the company changed much since he was on the show?

Blow on This!

Dear South African World Cup Organizing Committee,

First off, great job with the World Cup.  What a fun tournament to watch!  I enjoyed every minute of the ESPN coverage I tuned into!

I was wondering, do you have a list floating around of "Other Things You Can Do with a Vuvuzela?"  I'd like some suggestions on how to repurpose this item when not at a soccer (or football) match.  I mean, I could annoy the hell out of my husband by blowing it around the house, but I like him and don't see the need to upset him.

Any advice you could give would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Your pal,
Jill

Razzle Snoozle 'Em Oscars?

Dear Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences,

Congratulations on another successful awards!  How exciting was it to honor such great talent?  The first female "Best Director"!  Jeff Bridges!  Sandra Bullock!  Mo'Nique!  Christoph Waltz!  It was really a great year for performances, wasn't it?

Performances on the Big Screen, I mean.  Because your little awards show?  Not so great.  Maybe you won't believe me because I'm sure the folks in charge will be nominated for an Emmy, and Hollywood seems to be filled with yes men and women, but let me tell you:  As an Oscars junkie, this is the first time I've ever been to an Oscar party where a person fell asleep during the show.  Granted, I wasn't hosting, but that's beside the point.  Moreover, I didn't blame this woman for falling asleep, because, um, it was a touch boring.

Boring? You might ask.  Boring?!  Not with that stunning Bob Mackie-esque stage!  Sadly, the set was probably the best thing about the show, other than some surprising winners.  Have we not learned that interpretive dance numbers make for cruel mockery?  Or is that what you were going for?  I didn't know my jaw could stay open that long until I saw breakdancing to classical-type soundtracks.  A-mazing.  And I don't really mean that in a nice way.

But beyond the substandard opening number and the strange dance number interpreting the best score nominees, the rest of the show was plain boring. You had double the hosts, so shouldn't that mean double the talent?  Apparently not.  Most of the "jokes" and "one-liners" (I have a hard time even classifying them as jokes) fell massively flat.  How is that possible with the number of talented writers you had on staff?  Bruce Vilanch!  Dave Barry!  Who was responsible for taking out the funny?

Maybe you had too many writers.  Maybe you were trying to be a little conservative and thought, "The more, the merrier."  I'd like to remind you that in this year's case, the adage was, "Too many cooks spoil the broth," which, in an Oscar setting translates to, "Too many writers spoils the punchline."

It cannot be that difficult to write clever jokes and songs, while treating the movies in a classy manner!  If you're having trouble finding good help, I'll gladly offer my services.  I've been a freelance writer for just over two years, and film writing is on my resume.  I've even written a kick-ass script for an awards presentation following a community theatre production of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" that had everyone rolling.  Rolling!

Wouldn't you love George Clooney rolling in the aisles at your next Oscars?  He hardly cracked a smile last night.  Hire me to help write your next show, and I guarantee that I'll get genuine laughter out of everyone (even the foreigners!  I speak German too!).

Make your next Oscars something that the world won't complain about.  You can do it.  I can help!

Your pal,
Jill

P.S.--You forgot to remember Farah Fawcett's passing.  How'd that happen?  She had a crazy good performance in "The Apostle" back in 1997.

Keep Your Pants On!

Dear U.S. Snowboarders Nick Baumgartner and Nate Holland,

You're so cute!  Going on about the integrity of your sport being compromised by tighter pants!

Let's get a couple of things straight though:

• Snowboard Cross is not the "red-headed stepchild of snowboarding."  It's infinitely cooler to watch than the half-pipe.  Yeah, it's something when a boarder does flips in the half-pipe, but oh, it's a flip to the right!  Now a spin to the left!  All set to music!  The Snowboard Cross is speed and jumps and competing against people at the same time.  It's exciting!
• In twenty years (if not sooner), Snowboard Cross racers will be trying anything to shave hundredths of a second off their time.  Tighter suits are inevitable.
• Snowboarding has integrity?  What integrity?  Oh.  Do you mean you want to "keep it real"?  Snowboard Crossers with tight pants are keeping it real.  They're keeping it real fast.

Just relax and let the sport go through its natural progression.  It's going to, no matter what you think.

Citius, altius, fortius!

Your pal,

Jill

Phil's on It!

Note to Readers:  Phil Rosenthal is the Chicago Tribune's "business of media" columnist.  He writes about some really interesting topics, which is one of the reasons I contacted him about the NBC "premium" video coverage.  He got back to me with lightning speed:

My guess is that the "premium content" on the site -- which is what NBCOlympics.com classifies that as -- is being subsidized by the "participating cable, satellite and IPTV providers," which is why a subscription is required. They're paying the freight, and they dangle this as a minor but exclusive value-added benefit of actually paying for their services.


But I have sent an inquiry to NBC. So if I get more details, I'll let you know.

phil

---
To NBC:
I'd totally pay for Olympic online content, if given the chance.  I wish you'd given me (and at least one of my Facebook friends who's now scrambling to get a digital converter box) the option to buy access too! 

----
And Phil got an answer quickly:
The answer to your original query is pretty much what I told you. The only thing I would add is that highlight packages are free of charge and free of requirement that you subscribe to cable, etc., and for most people and most events I would suspect that is plenty.

----
That's sad for us with (a) The Fever, and (b) no cable.  There's more of us out there than you might assume, NBC.
 
Your pal,
Jill

Reaching Out to the Local Experts

Dear Maureen Ryan and Phil Rosenthal,

Do either of you have any idea why NBCOlympics.com will allow you to watch full recaps of Olympic events only if you subscribe to cable TV? I don't have cable (too expensive), and for a variety of reasons, didn't get a digital converter box. I rely on the internet for most of my television watching.

Today, after spending the afternoon in a bar in order to catch some biathlon coverage, I tried to watch said biathlon event online (NBC barely showed any of it on TV; I wanted to see more of it). However, since I don't have cable, I can't watch.

Do you know why NBC decided to do this? I'm more than happy to watch ads in order to pay for online coverage--heck, I'd even subscribe to the website during the Olympics in order to have access. Why have they decided that users can't have access unless they have cable TV?

Thanks for your time--I enjoy reading both of your columns and appreciate your expertise.

Your pal,
Jill

Have Nots Screwed Again?

Dear NBC Universal,

I'm trying to watch a replay of the biathlon event online, but when I try to watch full events online, it tells me I have to log in to my cable provider. I don't have cable TV. Cable's pretty expensive. The recession hit my family pretty hard, and we don't have it. Heck, we didn't even get a converter box for the regular TV.

Today I went to a bar specifically because I wanted to watch the biathlon coverage. NBC's coverage was abysmal. The event wasn't that long to begin with, but NBC only showed a few minutes of it--not even enough to get a feel for what was actually happening. Meanwhile, there was plenty of time to get a "preview" of the moguls event.

So at home I tried to stream the full coverage, and found out that because I don't have cable, apparently I can't get access. Because I'm one of the 'have nots,' does that mean I'm stripped of my dream to watch the Olympics?

Please get back to me ASAP. The Olympics wait for no one.
Your pal,
Jill

Feverish About a Gig

Dear David Wallechinsky,

Today, February 12, 2010, is a great day, isn't it?  You know what I'm talking about--tonight another Olympics begins, and we can celebrate two weeks of Winter Games.

I'm certainly celebrating--I've got yet another fantastic edition of your The Complete Book of the Winter Olympics: 2010 Edition (Complete Book of the Olympics)
in my hands, and my biennial case of Olympic Fever has commenced.  The cowbell is perched on my chair arm, and I'm ready to cheer!

Anyway, I wanted to say thanks for compiling your sourcebook, and should you need help compiling future editions, please feel free to contact me.  I may be no official Olympic historian (yet), but I'm a damn good researcher (ten+ years with a major management consulting firm), have a way with words, and I'm passionate about the Olympics.

Oh, I know what you'll say.  You've already got a co-collaborator in your nephew Jaime Loucky.  If he ever flakes out on you, there's some Hatfield & McCoy-type rift in the family, or the project just becomes too big for two people, I'd be happy to step up and help out.  Just let me know.

Citius, Altius, Fortius!
Your pal,
Jill