Monday, July 26, 2010

Dear Landscapers Who've Been Next Door Most of the Day,

How much longer will you be out there?  It's been a good three hours of leaf blowing, mowing, hedging, trimming, and whatever else you need tools with loud mowers for.  The yards in this neighborhood are tiny--what can you possibly still be doing out there?  Can you get some muzzles for those contraptions?

Your pal,

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Dear Anonymous --and by Anonymous, I mean the person who commented on my contact case letter,

I have to admit, I didn't quite understand what you meant by the 1-800-CONTACTS people sending you a really nice contact case.  Aren't all the free cases pretty much the same?  #5 plastic, two caps....the only difference I saw was some co-branding on the caps.  Granted, the ones that come with the contacts or with my saline are a touch nicer than the ones I get at the doctor's office, but beggars can't be choosers.

Then I reached into my stash of free contact cases and pulled out a new version from 1-800-CONTACTS. I don't know how to describe it, but it's really freakin' nice!  There's some sort of edge on the caps that prevents dirt from getting inside or moisture leaking out--whatever it is, it's sturdier than what I'm used to in a free case.  Color me impressed!

(and it doesn't even have a Wal-Mart ad on it)

So, I have to admit that you're right.  There is at least one really good type of contact case out there.  I almost hate to recycle it so soon, but these bad boys are only good for so long.  Still, I hope that that type of case trickles down to me at some point!

Thanks for pointing it out, Anonymous!

Your pal,

Friday, July 16, 2010

The Clock Keeps Ticking

Dear U.S. Census Bureau,

First off, LOVE the Census Bureau in a way that only a former librarian can!  You guys rock!

Secondly, I had a question about your population clocks.  When I dialed up your website yesterday to see what the world's population was, I was floored.  We're really up to 6.86 billion?  When did the population explosion happen?  My brain's still stuck in the 4 billions.  Who's having all the kids?

I did wonder if that clock only ever goes up.  Do you ever dial it down when disaster strikes?  Like, did you take off a couple hundred thousand to account for the victims of the Haiti earthquake?  Will you account for all the Baby Boomers when they die off--will that affect the U.S. population?  How about that Chinese one-child population?  Or the negative population growth in Europe?  Are the other parts of the world making up for this and keeping that clock rolling onward?

Let me know--I'm really curious about this.

Thanks for your time.
Your pal,

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Blow on This!

Dear South African World Cup Organizing Committee,

First off, great job with the World Cup.  What a fun tournament to watch!  I enjoyed every minute of the ESPN coverage I tuned into!

I was wondering, do you have a list floating around of "Other Things You Can Do with a Vuvuzela?"  I'd like some suggestions on how to repurpose this item when not at a soccer (or football) match.  I mean, I could annoy the hell out of my husband by blowing it around the house, but I like him and don't see the need to upset him.

Any advice you could give would be appreciated.

Your pal,

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

What's Possible?

Dear Coca-Cola,

For some odd reason I got that little "I'd like to buy the world a Coke" song in my head today, and it got me thinking:  Could you, in fact, buy the world a Coke today?

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there are 6,855,889,654 people in the world this moment. There are two ways I'd think about buying a Coke for everyone today.  The first, of course, is how much money would it cost.  Actually, I don't want to think about it, because it would probably cost me a lot more than the limit I have on my credit card.  Let's just pretend I work in investment banking and/or a hedge fund, and since it's been a bad year, my bonus was only a few hundred million.  A couple years of saving, and I've got plenty of money to buy the world a Coke.

The money factor aside, my real question to you is, would enough Coke be available?  Do you have 6,855,889,654 bottles or cans of Coke on shelves around the world at any given time?  If not, how many shipments of Coke would I have to stockpile in order to give a Coke to everyone?  How long would that take?

I'm just curious to know if I should make this thought a real goal.

Thanks for your time.
Your pal,

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Eye Don't See Cheaply

Dear 1-800-CONTACTS,

Thanks for the tons of e-mails you've sent reminding me that I should reorder my contact lenses.  I just wanted to let you know that I did place an order--just not with you.

True, you have served me well in the past.  You've been quick and reasonably priced.  What more could I complain about, right?

Well, there's the little matter of the free contact lens case.  Don't get me wrong--I love a free lens case.  However, I don't love one that says "Wal-Mart" on it.  I take great pains not to shop at Wal-Mart, and I loathed the fact that you forced me to associate with a store I want nothing to do with.

Sure, you could say, Well, Jill, just toss (or recycle) the contact case if it bothers you so much.  I could indeed, but I'd still have the knowledge that you associate yourself with a store that I believe has done so many bad things for this country.  I'd worry that Wal-Mart would get the upper hand in your partnership and force its "cheap first" mentality through your supply chain and ultimately compromise the quality of my lenses.  I can't take that chance.

So you've lost a customer.  I'm sure that's no biggie--I'm just another set of eyes.  Just not a pair that's focused on what you have to offer.

Your pal,